What Has My Weight Prevented Me From Doing?

A couple of weeks ago I attended some training for the job. There were several much cooler classes than the communications classes I was taking – including a couple that featured the use of a helicopter. I have always been fascinated with helicopters, and I have even had the desire to learn to pilot one. So, during my down time between classes I walked over to the field with my other coworkers that were there and we checked the grounded birds out. It was then we discovered that during their own down time the pilots were being gracious enough to offer helicopter rides. Nothing special of course, just a ride around the city. We jumped at the offer, and got “in line.”

The helicopter this particular department utilizes is a 4 person helicopter – so a pilot and up to 3 passengers. So what do I do? I start, automatically, thinking about the worst things that could happen. “What if I get up there and I’m too heavy and my ass crashes the thing?” “What if I’m too wide, and I fall out – to my death?” I did everything short of asking the pilot – I stood there, walked around eyeballing the seat space and searching for some magical sign/sticker that would tell me that even I could ride. Alas, I found nothing but more insecurity, forcing me to say that I’d hold off on riding as the next class was starting soon and I didn’t want to be late.

Afterward, after the disappointment and self-bashing had subsided, I started thinking about everything that I’ve held myself back from because of my weight…OR because I THOUGHT that my weight would be an issue. I have been trying to recall everything that I’ve been faced with such as opportunities missed, taken, or ignored, that I have declined myself because I was too fat. That’s my only criteria; I told myself I couldn’t do it because I was too fat. My list, and I’m sure this isn’t complete, includes the following:

Never having a real boyfriend. Some people have expressed interest in me and I’ve ignored them or dismissed them because I am too fat to have a boyfriend. On a similar note, I’ve been purposely avoiding situations in which I actually could meet people. “Oh, I can’t go out to that club because I’m too fat.” “Oh, I can’t make eye contact with that person or they will come over here and I’m too fat to carry on a conversation.” ETC. I go to work and I go home. Those are the two main places I go, just to avoid the public…because I am too fat.

Along with that – restricting myself from friendships. If I am somewhere where it would be possible to make friends of a strictly platonic fashion (such as an award banquet for work, a training class, meeting, etc) I still avoid even looking at new people, for fear that they might approach. If no one I know is around I stick to the outer perimeter. If I do notice someone I know I tag along with them.I’ve kept myself from being social because of my fat.

Helicopter rides.

Rappelling. Every year I go to conference in which rappelling is offered as an activity. Every year I have wanted to give it a try, and every year I’ve told myself no…you’re too fat. This might actually have some truth to it, but I didn’t even ask if there was a max weight.

ATV training, Boating, Swimming, Lake Going, etc…anything that would require some flexibility in moving or showing some skin. If its in the heat? Forget it – I don’t wear shorts or short sleeves. I also don’t walk as fast. I would love nothing more than to go camping, wake up in the morning with the sun, go put a blanket down by the river and just do some yoga, chill, relax…but I’m too fat.I’m sure this list isn’t complete, but seriously, how much of this is because I’m too fat? How much of it is because I’m not fit enough, or because I’m just afraid to buck the system and try something that “OMG fat people shouldn’t show their faces while doing!!!”

Its a blanket excuse though – I can’t go to the mall because I’m too fat, I can’t do yoga on the lake because I’m too fat, I can’t hop on an ATV because I’m too fat. I can’t live my life because I’m too fat.

THAT is ridiculous. What I actually am is too fat to just waste my life. Its April 29th, 2008 – by this time next year I want to have been able to accomplish everything on this list.